I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
