you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
