my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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