i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
