margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
