All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Drunk is a universal language darling
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