Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize