is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I party with great urgency now.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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