mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize