DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
