Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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