I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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