if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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