I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
