I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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