How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
