Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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