dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You took a bar mat shot.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
