why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
