note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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