for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you had me at cake vodka
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
