I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
