I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
