there's paper in my vomit.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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