i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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