i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
