I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
