I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
