I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
