Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
