i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
