Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
