That's when you crack a 10am beer
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize