Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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