You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
