put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
