i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
