note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
