i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
They have beer where we have blood.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
