Can i not drive my cunt home
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
