so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
