OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize