i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
