I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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