She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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