Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
