I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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