Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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