the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
