Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
