Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I feel like death gave me a hand job
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
