Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
