we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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