I cannot find my penis.
the condom got lost in my hair
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
