I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
