I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
