Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
