Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Randomize
