When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize