I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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